Ellery Goes Dark. ๐
But before we begin, reporting live from the massacre, Gwyneth is back...
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Hello, Lovelies, How the hell are you?
We interrupt the previously scheduled programming due to an untimely reappearance by our bear, Gwyneth.
For those of you just joining, Gwyneth became a noted figure in our lives a few years back when she tore apart the henhouse and ate all the chickens except for one, who became known to us (and the world) as Needy. In a noble, but ill-conceived attempt to save that lone chicken, my brother, who is very slight in build, and the total spit of Mackenzie Crook from Detectorists, ran out of the house and sprang the length of a Subaru around the corner of the barn to try to scare off whatever had gone after the hens and came face to face with a 350 lb black bear and her cub.
Thatโs my brotherโabove on the right. Seriously, for Gwyneth to eat him? Itโs like throwing a pretzel at a bear.
Anyway, he screamed in utter terror in an octave that defies science. Gwyneth did too and bolted. Her cub made a beeline for the nearest tree and started crying for her to come back and rescue him. It was not a good sceneโeveryone was under siege until the cub extraction was complete. SMDH.
With the next round of hens, the men thought the new, fortified henhouse was thoroughly secure from attack. But then yesterday, Gwyneth returned for a sequelโฆ ripping off the entire henhouse wall and eating the lot! Now, thereโs nothing left but feathers and feet. And Iโve just come from a family meeting where Iโve had to explain that it is animal cruelty to get more hens until we resolve the root issue. My brother agrees. No one else does.
They say an electric fence will keep her out and Iโm like, โGreat, thatโs all we needโฆ a pissed-off, hungry bear, and one more thing to fix. Has no one here seen The Revenant?โ
This is why I am not a farmer.
So, for starting the Ellery seriesโฆ pardon the delay. My favorite subject is love. Improbable love. You could say all love is improbable, but I think itโs especially tricky for those with disabilities. So, the question Iโve posed for this book is, can two people fall in love while constantly falling down? In this case, these are two very high-functioning individuals with big New York City jobs who also have big invisible disabilities that render them both highly vulnerable.
If you think about it, itโs so much work to love even the healthiest person, but when you are both chronically coping, you have to ask, is a happily ever afterโฆ or a happily for nowโฆ even possible? I want it to be so.
A few things Iโm learning about serializing on Substack is that fast, funny cliffhangers work. Having a visual reference helps. And, as in all stories, the ending has to feel righteously earned and not too easy or overly coincidental. That earning has to map back to your main characterโs heart, which must always be in conflict with itself, for the story to work.
And now, a word from our sponsorโฆ
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Doofus of the Week: The bear, obvs.
Literally, it is ALL in the mouth. Alorsโฆ
With thanks to Chris Stanton!
Doofus runner-up: The Mapperton House Duck Strangler
The key witness: the head gardener at the stately Dorset home says he spied a strange terrier on the property attack โQuackersโ one of Viscountess Hinchingbrookeโs three pet ducks, before the dogโs owner picked up the bird, quickly broke its neck, and tossed it into some long grass! The killer is still at large! The ViscountessโAKA Julie Montagu, an American yoga instructorโsays she has received over 2,000 messages from armchair sleuths since putting out an appeal to find the murderer. I have to confess, this case is so up my street! Iโd love to recruit
and fly us both to Dorset to solve it as only curious, peppy Nancy Drew types might!Doofus Honorable Mention: Brittany Mahomes
According to The Daily Fail, Mahomesโ fellow NFL WAGs wonโt question her support of TFG as they are too scared to โcross herโ. Excuse me? Anyone with a pulse should be terrified to cross Tree Paine, T-Swiftโs publicist; that woman is a high priestess of the darkest arts. As Tree Paine reaches for her 163rd cigarette of the day, an assistant spontaneously bursts into flames just pacing past her desk. Mirrors shatter. Tap water turns to blood. The Pain-t-agon (โThatโs the Tree Paine Pentagonโ per Hunter Harris) goes under full red alert. All the while, T-Swift doesnโt want to be political???
May I remind everyone that there is a special place in hell for women who don't help Kamala?
Now, This Week inโฆ Thatโs Marvelous!
Proof that the internet can still be fun (and sweet).
ICYMI, trust me on this one.
A Melange of Marvelous
What I am reading. Yes, I know I am late to the party. It IS as juicy as Obama said. However, as I read it, I am reminded of the time my youngest got lost overnight in the Adirondacks and had to be rescued by helicopters. I about stroked out from stress. Think Roman Roy in Successionโdelayed trauma the next summer when she went back, lolโnot a cozy mystery thatโs for sure.
An embellished skirt from HEAVEN that I will never be able to afford. Sigh.
Fab Chloe clogs that I (again) will never be able to afford, lolโฆ but in a parallel universe the me that made more sensible life choices is absent-mindedly clip-clopping around a bookstore wearing.
These Rampling trousers! I have been searching for them for over a decade! And yes, they DO magically transform you into badass Dame Charlotte Rampling!
A fancy go-to-meeting-and-kick-their-asses skirt! This one is $1050 by way of Magasin. I will be keeping my eyes peeled for a less spendy vegan version.
Garden clogs sourced by
that you can totally run from bears in! (And theyโre so reasonable too.)The Amelie dress by Boden lets you have a BODY like a real person! And it dresses down for the farm market, and up for the dreaded marketing meeting!
Quote of the week:
โAfter all, you canโt spell โsocial contractโ without โiconoclast.โ Or โcastration,โ but thatโs more interesting than relevant.โ โ
The Lost Tracks of Charles Bell
I donโt know how I lived for so long without Bellโs jazz piano stylings in my life!
Candy Bars for Your Brain!
Good God, Ben Pentreath can put a room together and make it feel like itย was always that wayโso full of warmth, brimming with love, a bit ramshackle, and rife with stories as all good homes should be. A fantastic Christmas presentโIโm getting copies for all the fussy, accidentally pretentious people in my life! You should too.
After a seven-year absence, J.Crew brings back physical catalogs! Again, paper brain candy!
Sign up here.
So, thatโs what Iโve got this week. Yours in feathers & grief โ xoxo, gotham girl
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Oh I see it now! Slightly pursed lips, slender but elegant. And Iโm assuming your hens are free-range, artisanal, yoni-egg laying queens so yes, Gweneth approves.
maybe some day i will have to watch "Sucession" i feel i miss wayyyyy too much ๐๐คฃ
the bear needs some buckshot in his rear end ๐น