Hello, Lovelies,
How the hell are you? I am feeling more like my old self!
This week, I was reading the delightful Substack Good Humor where I discovered that while in Italy, you can rent an Italian young man to pose as your nephew or cousin and he will gladly walk you into the finest restaurants and get you the best table or help you navigate past all the lines at the museum, and it reminded me of a service that they have in Sweden put on by the Swedish Tourism Authority called (appropriately) Ring a Random Swede—just in case you have a question about Sweden or Swedish-ness, or you need something Swedish. Here's how it works:
I'm thinking of doing the same but for a significant other since the person I was with for the last eight years seems to have just done that. To be honest, I’ve been too tired and Covidy until now to resume my heartbrokenness.
Teodora’s miffed. “I’m serial, Miss Alisa,” she says, “After all this time, he’s poofy? I am going to make a fire spell for his ding-dong to fall off.”
Oh, dear.
“And for any puta, I make her coño shut so tight... like a dead clam! And smelly disgusting like a poo diaper soaked in seawater!” She says all this while holding a meat cleaver mid-chop, so I am diplomatic.
“I completely admire your sense of vengeance. I really do. It's truly an art form, but perhaps... let’s not? He could come to his senses, and remember my sparkling personality and overarching loveliness, so maybe don't make his thingy fall off... yet. Also, I’m not sure there is a dirty clam.”
“You are navy.” She says scowling.
“Navy?” It takes me a second. “Oh, naïve! Yes, probably. But I have to support all women for The Empress ... Even if it means one dirty clam crushes what’s left of my ego into nanoparticles.”
She looks at me confused and begins making a list of ingredients I do not understand.
“What I'm saying is, NO DEAD CLAMS. It’s just too mean-spirited, even for me. I guess, if she were some evil HR Karen or a perky marketing nightmare from hell, I’d just quietly, karmically wish her a lifetime of wet socks, travel delays, and severe yeast infections.”
I take Teodora’s list. All the items seem highly caustic if put anywhere near an open flame. I picture the EPA descending upon our building in hazmat suits.
“Aye, Aye, Aye,” she puts her hand on mine, her gravitas is palpable. “OK, we leave his ding-dong for now.”
She means well. But back to Ring a Random Swede! I’m going to call and ask for one. I think both Swedish men AND women are stunning, so I'll take either. You can be as weird as Alexander Skarsgård—except for in Succession—no sending pints of plasma as that will DEF be a dealbreaker. And we can live here in my Only Murders In The Building-building in a beautiful wedding cake apartment or I can come live with you. I love snow, Grace Kelly, 70s neo-noir cinema, and I'm not above trying different varieties of tinned fish. I dig anchovies. They're like a whole food group to me.
My toxic traits are...um… Teodora... And I love Christmas and mostly anything to do with it and Halloween and ALL holidays, if I’m honest. I’d celebrate Arbor Day if only other people would get with the program. Oh, and I write a lot and I read too many books. What else? I don't drink but instead, I therapy bake a ton, so we'll need a Dyson for all the pain au chocolat crumbs I leave in my wake—just saying. Other than that I'm pretty easygoing.
Doofus of the Week
Now, for our regularly scheduled segment! I could easily dogpile on Drew Barrymore, but seeing as how the rest of humanity and lawyers are already doing that, I’m choosing a juicier target.
Doofus of the Week: Professional feminist hater, Richard Cooper.
“On dates, Richard Cooper describes his job as, “a board adviser in a national financial services business, real estate investor, and I do my own private equity investing.” Most women, he writes in his book The Unplugged Alpha, don’t know what that means. That’s why he says it.”
You can read all about his stunning tome in this review by Men Yell at Me author Lyz who, again, knocks it out of the freakin’ park.
What an Oldster knows: It’s almost the holidays and when you send your miscreant brother out to the store to buy evaporated milk for the pies, he WILL most certainly get confused about whether it’s condensed or evaporated that he’s supposed to buy. They’re super cheap… Have him buy BOTH. Next time there’s a hurricane, you’ll have milk for coffee. You’re welcome.
That’s Marvelous!
And now for our much-loved new segment luxuriating in the good stuff.
Just so wonderful in a jazzy morning, hopeless romantic kind of way. And she’s playing around the corner from my house!
This Steve Martinesque Wild and Crazy Guy meets Fosse style of dancing. I only WISH my body still did this!
How do you relax? This photo and essay by Sara Benincasa say it all! Just look at the titles… Russian Criminal Tattoos? Squirl (sic) and the New California Cooking? I am confused!
A beautiful new podcast on the Bard is out… Something Shakespeare This Way Comes. I cannot wait to see what she does with it all!
Lastly, I was so fortunate to have the loveliest chat with Kim Van Bruggen this week of Life (un)Learned in a piece entitled: The Brain as Beauty and Beast.
The entire conversation was deeply meaningful to me. To Kim, I am so grateful. She is truly marvelous.
Ok, that’s it for yours truly. I’m off to ring a random Swede! Maybe Drew should too?
Thank you for being a free subscriber to gotham girl. If you like it, I hope you’ll consider upgrading to a paid subscription for even more, as it helps keep the lights on and me fed! In the meantime, Stay safe, Lovelies, and know that I’m thinking of you always – xoxo, gotham girl
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I want to go to Sweden so I can call a Swede. Need to google Drew. Don’t know the latest. Thx for credit. 😉🩷
Awww. Thanks lovely. You are truly marvelous yourself.
As always you make me laugh until I cry. My relatives in Sweden will get a kick out of this one. xo