This Week: A List of the People I Am Mad At
Inspired by the great Scaachi Koul. Given all that's gone down, it seems necessary.
Hello, Lovelies, How the hell are you?
The following is a list of the people I am mad at, in no particular order. Just a note: I am stepping in this week and pinch-hitting for the great Scaachi Koul, who usually writes these. Given all that's gone down, it seemed necessary:
The Supreme Court – Let me get this straight...
Students getting relief from crushing, onerous lifelong debt is unconstitutional.
But justices secretly getting hundreds of thousands or even millions of dollars in gifts, vacations, and free housing and education for their family members is just fine.
Yeah, you've got some explaining to do before you zip off on your private jets and super yachts for the summer. Oh, wait, Ketanji Brown Jackson already did a pretty damn good job of that. Still, all these rights and opportunities you keep stripping away, all these dangerous precedents you keep setting... Just so you know, the 4th of July is now officially canceled because of you people. You make us ashamed to be Americans.
Moms for Liberty – You are a not-so-stealthy hate group that should be declared a terrorist organization and put on a watch list for crimes against humanity, children, libraries, books, and freedom of thought. I've got my eye on you f*cking nefarious bitches. Texting with The Proud Boys, planning actions against libraries, and quietly getting your members elected to school boards to ruin things across America? How dare you ban Judy Blume and Madeleine L’Engle, and all that is sacred in young adult literature. Next, you will be banning cookbooks because they don't contain enough of those f*cking Jell-O salad recipes, which are disgusting, by the way. No, thank you. A bunch of squawking, puffy-haired harridans, that’s what you are.
David Zaslav – Who made you the Grinch of television that's what I want to know. Boy, you really take the cake and everyone's last bit of joy, you f*cking pasty white boy executive twat who wouldn't know a good script if it paper cut you in the face.
And gutting Turner Classic Movies? Don't you know this is an American treasure? It's our comfort fare when the world goes completely wrong, which it frequently does these days because of the Supreme Court, pandemics, and oh climate change/the weather. Not only is it the canon of American cinema, the beginnings of our American historical visual vocabulary, and our nascent national art form, but it’s also some of the best comedy writing ever undertaken and the greatest musicals that we'll never see again because of cheap CGI f*ckwads like you. TCM is emotional support viewing. We fall asleep to films like Holiday with Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant on our saddest days. We write to Thin Man movies on in the background as we dream up witty dialogue inspired by Myrna Loy and William Powell and even Asta, the dog, so yes it's a productivity tool for writers. But you hate writers... that much we know.
I wish I could pull a ‘Jean Smart from Hacks’ on you and just write a check big enough to get you to walk away from television forever, but you're too much of a greedy twat for me to ever afford it, but I would do it and it would give me SO much satisfaction the way it does when Jean gets that male comedian off the stage forever to stop him from screwing with and diminishing female comedians because THAT’S what needs to happen here... you need to go away. For good.
You already have enough money anyway. TCM is the smallest sliver of the budget of Warner Brothers, so why not take a tax deduction? Donate the entire library to a trust that could be protected by the Library of Congress forever, one that's part of our national history and looked after and preserved. Corporations love tax deductions, or so I hear.
Here's the thing of it... You could be heroic if you wanted to be. Think of Henri Langlois, the co-founder of the Cinémathèque Française, who rescued all these magnificent films that were slated to be melted down for their chemicals. You could be that guy but no, you choose to be a weenie on the wrong side of history... forever.
Ben Affleck - Stop being so mopey and irritated by your very good life, damn it. And stop taking your shirt off for everyone. We just don't want to see it. It's yucky, especially your tattoos. You’re grossing out your daughters and me. Plus, we don't care how ripped you are. It still doesn't make up for the fact that you are nothing but a professional Jennifer embarrasser, which you should have as your title on your business card:
Ben Affleck
actor, writer, director, producer, but mostly professional Jennifer embarrasser
Then, you won't have to talk or take off your shirt and that will be just fine.
Gillian Jacobs – Stop being mean to epileptic people. There are 65 million of us and we will boycott your skinny white ass, you shallow Hollywood ne’er-do-well. We don't care if you're in The Bear for half a minute or that it's super great this season. Our lives are NOT all grim and awful and sad and meaningless. They can be filled with joy and hilarity if you just give our stories half a chance and see that there's more to our narratives beyond the seizure, and/or your stigma about seizures, you ableist bigot... There, I said it. Again, I don't care how good The Bear is, you're still a lousy person for saying those mean things and you can f*ck off all the way to that new black hole that NASA just discovered.
French Cops – Stop acting like American cops and killing people willy-nilly. You’re ruining France for me. Don't turn it into America. We need France to go back to its joie de vivre, to its jouissance, and its very gospel of enjoyment. We NEED it to be the country of over 400 cheeses, the role model for how to live and love art, literature, libraries, a life of the mind and The Enlightenment being a fun thing. So, knock it off.
People who are mean to Mary Beard – the Cambridge professor is a global icon and Empress of the Classics world. And anyone who can deliver a nationally televised lecture entitled Oh, Do Shut Up Darling on the silencing of women throughout the history of ancient Greek and Latin literature and make it funny, deserves her own goddamn streaming channel... sponsored by every wellness-GOOP-lady product on the planet. Note to Zaslav.
The chuckleheads who broke into our building last week – Don’t do that again or I will go so dark femme Dirty Harry on you. I have seen ALL the films, and I have Lalo Schifrin on vinyl.
Now, for some fun… less angsty stuff:
This came to me from Aimee Mann this week and it is so freakin’ cool... you’ll just have to watch and see for yourself.
This is a thing of beauty from Neko Case… and so on-brand for the week:
Lastly, my piece for Winona and The Empress was #1 on Scary Mommy this week!
I was so overjoyed... I went and celebrated with the other mothers in my Momune, who of course, had loads of tiaras lying around. Live footage below of that. How blissed out am I, btw? I guess this is just me on success, half a pot gummy, and a bunch of cupcakes? Such a lightweight. I think I look like a stoned Cabbage Patch Kid, don’t you? Let the photo show, for the record, how completely un-mad I am at anyone really—except for SCOTUS and Moms4Liberty. They deserve perpetual animosity.
What else??? I need to bring some warmth and funny to this one serious chapter of my book, and this is the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. If I ever go out on a date again, it needs to be with someone like this…
I know. It takes a lot for me to blow out my hair. 😂
Stay safe, Lovelies, and know that I’m thinking of you always – xoxo, gotham girl
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I only went after the REALLY bad guys, bigots, and puffy-haired fascists...though it WAS probably the most liberal use of the f-word of any of my posts. Still, I MEANT every one of them. 😂
Gawddamn girl, you go!