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Breakup Pie! Two parts incoherent rage, one part artisanal spite & the darkest chocolate 😂
Plus, a SECRET ingredient in the crust that makes it extra flakey—just like HE WAS!
Hello, Lovelies, How the hell are you?
So, I want to thankfor inspiring me to write this one. She, of course, writes the extraordinary Substack Men Yell At Me which, if you don’t yet know, just go there now and subscribe, already.
Her Dingus of the Week dispatch is always a stellar excoriation of mostly-male public idiocy, and her other features could easily serve as notes for a Men Yell at Me biopic—artfully played with unabashed, comedic self-humiliation by Phoebe Waller-Bridge. I definitely meet Lyz’s dingus criteria most weeks (this might be one). But on to the subject of Breakup Pie…
If you have ever been on the giving or the receiving end of a breakup, I find the Breakup Pie to be both a therapeutic and delicious exercise. When you are making this singular kind of dessert, you no longer want to fuck… you just want to fuck shit up.
Now, it’s important to remember that the actual recipe isn’t that critical… Breakup Pie can be a double-crust fruit pie, a custard-based pie, you could even go so far as a Crème brûlée to symbolize the torching and then cracking of the top with the spoon—just like a delicate heart. The process is the whole point.
My personal favorite Breakup Pie is the sour cherry bourbon with an almond-oat crumb crust. The guy always bites into it too soon and says, “Huh, it’s not quite sweet enough…” as I stand there with the pint of Jeni’s and say, “You needed to wait for the ice cream, dummy. It has to melt into the warmth of the cherries and the bourbon to taste just right.” And then, he knows we’re done.
Important Breakup Pie lessons I’ve learned over the years…
Reserve all your rage, all your heartache for the filling. You can really go to work and get this part right, but with certain berries, it’s best not to overhandle them.
I use flour to thicken instead of corn starch—no point in being overly syrupy.
Cream cheese is the secret ingredient to the ultimate flakey butter/flour crust. 2 oz of it, cut into dice-sized cubes… for better luck next time is what you want. They don’t call it shooting craps for nothing.
You’ll also want to pair this with a 1/2 tsp of Kosher salt and 1/4 tsp of baking powder—yes, you heard me. The foregoing will make your crust as flakey as he was.
As you form the dough into a ball for chilling, you’re going to do so by gently folding it on a board lightly dusted in rice flour—this is best to keep it from sticking. As you work, you’re going to laugh (yes, actually laugh) into the dough about every mean, inconsiderate, snide, assholish stunt he or she ever pulled.
After each laugh, fold the dough, and rotate it 90 degrees, think, laugh again, fold, and repeat. Do this until you have a firm, round ball ready for chilling. Don’t overwork the dough or it will be tough and chewy—unless that is what you want for the bastard. If you do things right, this crust will be as flakey as a croissant and the perfect metaphor for most of the planet’s men.
To the question… How do YOU serve c*nt in a Breakup Pie? But in a way doesn’t inadvertently turn them on, or cause their ding-dongs to fall off? (First, make a note to yourself to keep said pie away from Teodora’s more potent tinctures.) Next, make sure your pie tastes fabulous—test! In the end, you may just want to give the guy a slice and save the rest for yourself.
Lastly, make certain the pie has clear messaging when you deliver it:
Now onto the doofuses, this week’s a short cavalcade.
Doofus(es) of the Week
Now, for our regularly scheduled programming!
Doofus #1: We return to the total idiocy of Gerry of the Golden Bachelor. Never mind the show’s annoying ageism, this dummy has made the ultimate error (as others have) of telling two women on hometown visits that involve extended family and grandchildren that he loves both of them. Ggaaaagh!!! I hope this doofus gets SO MUCH BREAKUP PIE from all the friends and relations.
Doofus #2: SBF. I think the picture says it all… don’t you?
Lastly, the Mockingbastard is back.
Operation Meredith is back on! Stay tuned.
OK, I’m not nearly out of doofuses, but things are traumatizing enough and we need some marvelous…
A new-ish segment luxuriating in the good things.
I cannot wait for this… Wicked Little Letters!
Mystery algorithms disrupting angry rants?
In the middle of a wild and EPIC rant about politics by David Simon, the showrunner of THE WIRE and the angriest man in television, the Twitter/X algorithm decided to interject with the most absurd ad I have ever seen… I just… the algorithm itself seems to be laughing (cruelly and/or absurdly) at us in this admittedly horrifying situation… Oddly, it seemed to do the job of cooling the rant. Momentarily, at least.
I mean, I was just kind of stunned.
An even better marvelous thing…
ICYMI, we had a marvelous Mischief as Superpower Thursday Thread this week that produced the most incredible “pranks of kindness,” but in the meantime (and in a similar spirit), I want to share the art offrom her brilliant Substack and podcast Bad at Keeping Secrets because it perfectly expresses the antithesis of The Breakup Pie and instead conveys the gentle acceptance that we so often wish for in our relationships.
We’re all so full of our own trust, communication, and abandonment issues, like all kinds of things that make it difficult to get close to people… it's indeed a miracle when something like the above planet alignment can happen.
Before we part, have you ever seen a Dahlia bloom? It’s quite something.
I kinda love how it falters. Hard relate. Stay safe, Lovelies, and know that I’m thinking of you always – xoxo, gotham girl
p.s. Today is the 5th anniversary of my book—we didn’t get to have a launch party because we had a massive blizzard instead and then a tour. I was still learning how to write back then. I can’t wait for the next one.
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