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Next Up: This is Going to Be Hard for You
A Bacchanal of the bad rich. Dark, debauched, comedy. NOT for the squeamish. 😂
Hello, Lovelies, How the hell are you?
Beloveds, I’m in a state of enraged, befuddled amusement. I just found out my book, Gotham Girl, Interrupted, was among 183,000 other books stolen by Meta and Bloomberg to train their AI systems. Honestly, I didn’t think my work was important enough, but according to the Author’s Guild, there it is. How the mind boggles at the “For instance” authors. My book might as well be a potato.
Still, I endured a great deal for that book: six years of Dostoyevsky, the odious Marlene, (Puck you, Marlene!) seven, surgeries, 29 cranial staples, months of looking like a human tampon, 2000 hours of speech therapy, 100 hours of grief counseling, assassin’s headphones, way too many trips to the dentist (I still love you, Dr. Alvaro!), and some hefty medical bills. So, I’m like, “Hello, yes? I’d to report some grand larceny and a grave physical assault… Yes, I’ll hold.”
The villainess in me sincerely hopes my crazy-ass syntax and typos completely gum up the works. To Meta et al., may my lousy prose be the tiny, but everpresent, poltergeist in your motherf*cking machine, haunting your code for all eternity. May it be the Halt and Catch Fire, HCF, command prompt that causes your stacks to short out and burn to the ground. Chuckleheads. Even Teodora (our nanny whose thriving side hustle is Santería spellwork for social justice) doesn’t know how to hex an AI.
Doofus(es) of the Week
Now, for our regularly scheduled segment! This week is short but potent…
Doofus #1: The GOP. What are you for? This month has already been a total chaos Muppet play from hell, do you really have to stop senior citizens from getting their Meals on Wheels? Do you really need to deny poor mothers and children milk and fresh broccoli? Have you even SEEN Brooklyn? It is a veritable ocean of diarrhea. We are going to need the EPA and FEMA open and funded to clean up all that poo and toxic mold, otherwise… Hello, Cholera, my old friend!
Doofus #2: The Idiots behind the Books3 dataset. Damn, you nerds. Don’t you already know that you have totally triggered my irrational fear of bureaucratic forms? Do you know how many forms I now have to download and fill out to get you to stop kleptobotting my book? And hello? The most collaborative writers on the planet (TV and film people) have just spent months striking over this very issue. And here you go… sneaking in and doing it anyway with the books folks. Plus, I had always thought the whole point of AI was to get rid of bloody forms. Wasn’t that the entire visual intent behind Tom Cruise’s Bob Fosse computer dance moves in Minority Report?
Doofus mini-honorable mention… Caitlin Moran. Granted the lede is hilarious, but NOT helping, Caitlin. Way to reinforce the stigma of midlife women in the WORST possible way, lol.
OK, I’m not out of doofuses, but I have grown weary of talking about them.
A new-ish segment luxuriating in the good things.
From Sandra Ann Miller, an incredible performance by The Pretenders. This will give you chills.
I am madly in love with this film, The Holdovers. I know I’ve posted about it before. Forgive my obsession with its tenderness.
Miranda July’s new midlife women’s novel ALL FOURS looks so badass… because SHE is so smartass. God, I love her.
But how to sum up this week? More bucolic Chickencore. A last bit of summer because you will never regret romanticizing your life.
And since I’ve missed rich people behaving badly, I wrote a whole book about them—complete with party planner Ponzi grifters on the run amid fine art, menacing Chechens, and cake. Steal this, you AI freaks:
“This is going to be hard for you,” the Chechen said, blow torch in hand.
Naked and quivering. Cormac looked down and regarded his cock with nostalgia. How it bent to the left like an heirloom gourd. Martha Stewart would be proud. He felt it now retract into his scrotal nether regions. Regions he only contemplated as one entity when death was close and cold.
In the meantime, stay safe, Lovelies, and know that I’m thinking of you always – xoxo, gotham girl
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