Thursday Thread: Where is Keri Russell's 'Sex Hair' when we need it? 😂 It's the only thing to halt the spectre of autocracy!
Plus, the world's most "slappable" face! And the best true conspiracy ever!
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Hello, Lovelies,
How the hell are you? I don’t know about you, but I am feeling deeply deprived of Keri Russell and her miraculous sex hair. Where is she when we need her? I’m telling you, we need her to swoop down from some gritty, windswept rooftop and fire Pete Hedgehog’s unctuous little ass right off the face of the earth. Have you ever seen a more slappable face?
Truly. Backpfeifengesicht, or “possessing a highly ‘slappable’ face” as our no-nonsense German friends call it—is a word so brilliant it almost makes me forgive them for schnitzel. The only drawback to using it more often is that I can’t spell it without accidentally invoking a demon.
Honestly, Keri—our one and only Ambassador Back to Reality, Kate Wyler—is the only person on the planet with the authority and poise to do what’s needed here: slap Pete Hamburglar (and autocracy) into next week and have her adorably lethal CIA sidekick drag him out by his smug Ted Baxter lapels.
And she’d do it all with yogurt stains on her blazer and that gloriously tousled hair, still exuding more gravitas than Secretary Higgedly Piggledy over there, who governs like he’s just found out the Goonies sequel is happening and he’s been cast as the misunderstood dirt bike gang leader.
What does it say about our culture that an iconic actress—whose primary qualifications are being captivating on screen and owning the messiest mom bun in television history—still feels like a more competent diplomat than the clowns currently running the circus? It’s a crisis, honestly.
Not that I would ever condone violence (heaven forbid), but if you had to pick the most backpfeifengesicht face of the entire administration, who would it be? I used to think it was Eyeliner VP, but the competition has gotten fierce lately.
Anyway, rather than linger in the cesspool of political absurdity, let’s move on to something even more bizarre: conspiracy theories. A few months ago, I posed a question: What conspiracy theory do you wish were true?
Responses ranged from spirits to aliens, mostly because it would spice up the social scene, and frankly, the dating pool could use a good interdimensional shakeup. Hetero men—bless them—are just so consistently underwhelming. Left your wife of 30 years for a Zumba instructor? Pfft. Fighting your ex in cat court? Please. Bring on the aliens. At least they might surprise me.
So, imagine my pure Scully-and-Mulder delight when I stumbled across this: declassified CIA files now reveal that the Ark of the Covenant—yes, that Ark—has been found.
Or at least vaguely located. And it’s guarded by “entities.” Apparently, back in December 1988, some CIA operatives with ESP (because that was a budget line item) claimed to have remote-viewed the Ark somewhere in the Middle East, surrounded by people speaking Arabic. Dark, wet, underground, and presumably full of ancient doom. The files also include artfully unhinged sketches of mosques, mummies, and a winged creature labeled “Seradin”—presumably your standard-issue eldritch horror. All part of Project Sun Streak, which, to the surprise of literally no one, was unceremoniously shut down in 1995.
Of course, they spent actual money on this. But can you just see the cinematic crossover?
X-Files meets Raiders of the Lost Ark meets White Lotus. Mulder, Scully, and Indiana Jones chasing Nazis and psychics around a decadent hotel in Egypt’s Valley of the Kings. Honestly, Spielberg, Chris Carter, Mike White—call me. This is gold.
And hey, if you don’t have a most-slappable face candidate from earlier, do you at least have a conspiracy theory you’d like to see come to life? Or maybe one you’d rewrite for dramatic effect? Let’s make the ridiculous a little more interesting, shall we?
(Curtsies. Exits, stage left.)
Yours, Definitely Not in War Plans - xoxo - gotham girl
Quoted
“Stop saying history will judge them. Judge them now. With judges.”—
PS - I am a human typo. Amnesty appreciated.
"The only drawback to using it more often is that I can’t spell it without accidentally invoking a demon." I'd like to take that line out to dinner and congratulate it for being so incredible.
Re: the most slappable face, that's really hard. I agree that J.D. Vivian Vance is an excellent choice. And though I don't take pleasure in saying this about a woman, Karoline Leavitt is my pick. Someone needs to knock the truth into her or the lies out of her, I don't care which, but that smugly face of hers is ripe for the slapping.
🤣Thanks for making me guffaw today. I needed it. Pete Hegseth gets my face-slap vote although Karoline Leavitt (if only she would LEAVE) is a close second. I too don’t condone violence (especially against women), but I’d like to slap some sense into her.