LIVE... From Late Stage Capitalism! 😂
So much for Summer Fridays.
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Dearest Folks,
Just a quick note to say when I penned this short, imagined script for an SNL Cold Open on the current political absurdities, it was with zero knowledge that the administration would be deploying the Nation Guard to Los Angeles. My thoughts and total support are with all the families and communities impacted by this needless cruelty and chaos. It all seems like a frightening rehearsal for our upcoming elections. Eesh.
COLD OPEN: EXTERIOR – DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE – DAY
(Blazing sun. Reporters sweating. A cheesy step-and-repeat banner behind a janky podium reads “Operation Liberty Botox.”)
PAM BONDI (AMY POEHLER)
(In a pastel suit so tight it squeaks, clutching a manila folder and pure delusion)
"Ladies, gentlemen, and whichever influencer is livestreaming this for crypto—today we bring justice against a dangerous international figure. A man so slippery he’s technically considered a sauce."
JEANINE PIRRO (CECILY STRONG)
(Wearing aviators, a red bandage dress, and heels that click like a countdown)
"We are filing 37 charges against known cartel lieutenant and alleged hummus saboteur... Calamari Abrego Garcia!"
(She throws back a neat tequila shot, then spits it dramatically into the crowd like she’s christening a yacht.)
PAM BONDI:
(Flustered)
"Jeanine, that was the good stuff—this is an official government press—"
[ENTER: BIG BALLS (MIKEY DAY)]
(A 25-year-old hyper-entitled intern from DOGE. Wearing AirPods, a mesh tank, and a lanyard that says “VIBE ENGINEER.”)
BIG BALLS:
(Interrupting)
"Babygirl, you need to drink some milk."
(He slaps a juice box onto the podium like it’s policy.)
PAM BONDI:
(Thrown off, flushed)
"I—what? Are you threatening me or… interviewing me?"
BIG BALLS:
"You got 72 hours before DOGE replaces your whole department with an NFT of a justice scale made out of vape smoke."
(Pam looks faint. Jeanine fans her with a subpoena.)
JEANINE:
"Is it weird I find this deeply erotic?"
CUT TO: INTERIOR – A LATIN AMERICAN BLACK SITE (OR A VERY BAD AIRBNB)
CALAMARI ABREGO GARCIA1 (BOWEN YANG):
(In an orange jumpsuit, holding a paint swatch)
"For the last time, I wasn’t trafficking anyone. We were going to Home Depot. I told Julio my wife wanted Farrow & Ball's ‘Monkey Puzzle’2 for the mudroom. She was very specific. Now I’m eating soup through a straw in a cement box labeled ‘freedom unit.’”
(He looks at the camera like he’s on The Office: Hostage Edition.)
EXT. WHITE HOUSE ROSE GARDEN – SANDBOX – DAY
(A gigantic sandbox. Signs read “Property of the American People (Kind Of).” TRUMP and ELON are in oversized toddler Pull-Ups—one is MAGA red, and the other is Tesla silver. Both are covered in sand, tantrum sweat, and delusion.)
TRUMP:
You can’t build your stupid space igloo with my sand!
ELON:
It’s my sand. You’re just pooping in it.
TRUMP:
You take that back!
ELON:
Make me, Diaper Don.
TRUMP (standing, wobbly):
You’re uninvited to my birthday party. Forever.
(He kicks over Elon’s solar-powered moat. Elon gasps like it’s Pearl Harbor.)
ELON:
That was a closed beta!
(They lunge at each other with tiny plastic shovels. One Secret Service agent quietly turns on a bubble machine to “de-escalate.”)
TRUMP:
This is MY sandbox!
ELON:
Yeah? Then why is it filled with my engineers’ tears?
(BIG BALLS (Mikey Day) strolls in holding a juice box like a mic.)
BIG BALLS:
Gentlemen. Gentlemen. This sandbox belongs to DOGE.
TRUMP + ELON (in unison):
Shut up, Big Balls!
INT. DOJ PRESS CONFERENCE – LATER THAT DAY
(Pam Bondi, Jeanine Pirro, and Big Balls stand triumphantly before a sweating press corps and one TikTok live ring light.)
PAM BONDI (Amy Poehler):
To summarize: America is safe again. From what, we’re not sure. But it involved hummus, influencer interns, and a Farrow & Ball color that’s honestly too bold for most mudrooms.
(Behind her, a blown-up swatch labeled “Monkey Puzzle” is taped to a ‘Wanted’ poster.)
BIG BALLS (Mikey Day):
(sips from juice box)
We neutralized the threat. Mudroom vibes restored.
JEANINE PIRRO (Cecily Strong):
(twirls, tequila bottle in one hand, gavel in the other)
And now—a word from our sponsor: Selective Memory™.
(winks)
Available in spray... and suppository.
(The lights flicker. A patriotic remix of “Sandstorm” starts playing.)
PAM BONDI:
This is what justice feels like.
(They all freeze in absurd heroic poses, wind machines whirring, dollar bills floating down from above like a low-rent Vegas show.)
(Confetti cannons go off. The Monkey Puzzle swatch bursts into flames. Calamari Garcia gesticulates wildly from a prison Zoom window.)
EVERYONE ON STAGE (shouting in chaotic unison):
LIVE... from LATE STAGE CAPITALISM... it’s SATURDAY NIGHT!
(Smash cut to warped stars and stripes graphic morphing into an iTunes Terms of Service. Cut to black.)
Pardon my little break from the usual fare. But is it just me, or does it feel like irony origami that the very thing the DOJ is accusing Abrego of… is exactly what they just did to him?
It’s bonkers.
Yesterday was the most Tuesday-ish Summer Friday in publishing ever…
I feel so much responsibility for our little venture right now. Suddenly, I’m in that Michelle Yeoh film where she has to get everything done across all the different multiverses to save the world. I mean, Huzzah, Michelle… but yeesh, that film gives me panic attacks. I immediately felt the need for Heather and me to cosplay Xanadu:
Anyway… to counter that questionable haircut vibe, I just binged Sirens—and honestly? I loved every second of its goofy, implausible Stepford weirdness. It’s pure, melodramatic brain candy: the kind where women process the Mother Wound in billowing Vince caftans, blinding Lily Pulitzer, and trashy, defunct Forever 21 like they’re wearing emotional armor.
Julianne Moore plays a horny billionaire birder with IVF trauma and a Resting Scientology Face so potent it converts you mid-episode. Praise Xenu, I guess? They’re all so fantastically dysfunctional.
If anyone has other recommendations for TV that soothes the soul and offers up dopamine hits in equal measure… do shout. This chick could use it.
Yours in… Selective Memory - xoxo, gotham girl
PS - I am a human typo. Amnesty appreciated.
https://www.farrow-ball.com/us/paint/monkey-puzzle
i bet that felt good 🤗
your backstory to cast dialogue sublime ie Cecily spitting up as if christening a new ship 🤣
i actually have been watching the Better Sister (i thought it read Sitter and with no flesh tempted to bail lol jk) and damn if it hasnt calmed and impressed with some great actors all around
the female lesbian cop must be bribing the writers but they give her some kick ass lines
A man so slippery he’s technically considered a sauce”