One of my maybe? best comebacks is one I wrote for a character in my short story "The Burglar"-- tell me what you think, lovely: A woman asks her husband why they didn't make love that morning. "So how many men do you think got an offer like that this morning?”
He’d sat for a while and then said, “In the world or the U.S.?” She had not answered. She was still angry from the morning rebuff even though she’d believed she’d deserved it.
He’d continued, “In the U.S., there are about 250 million people. Half are male—that’s 125 million. Half of those are children or geezers—that leaves 62 million. Suppose one percent got the same offer this morning—that’s 620,000 guys. Most of them are married and turned it down.”
OMG, Mary! Just seeing this! Gaaaaagh! He's doing the math??? This is SO the attitude of a Don Draper-esque MAN! It just STINGS! You're a meager statistic! A by-product of your status as a wife! So good!
There was a line at Hurry Curry, the Indian place that used to be on the corner. It was rare there was a line. And, if there was one, and you were new, that gave you time to decide what you wanted. (It was served from a hot table; only naan and a few other specialties were made to order.) This middle-aged dude in front of me kept saying, "Man, this line is moving slow. I can't believe there's such a line," and on and on he would blather. I wouldn't engage in conversation, so he would greet each person behind me with his same "Some line, huh" sh!t. Anyway, we finally get to the front, he takes forever to order, then his card is declined. Once again, he has to note how long everything is taking, and I lose it. "And you've made it seem even longer with your constant play-by-play of the line, going on and on about how long it is and how slow it's moving. If you expect your meal to be quick, order from Dominos or hit Taco Bell. But you would wait just as long at any restaurant. Think the Thai place across the street is any faster? (For the record, it ain't.) But we don't need to hear you rambling on and on about it." He said, "I'm sorry if I ruined your evening," and I said, "I'm sorry if I described you accurately!" The entire queue went silent. I made my order (chicken curry and aloo gobi), which was packaged up promptly (they loved me there; if they saw me crossing the street, they'd have my meal ready when I walked in the door). I paid, tipped and was out the door, smiling. I love accuracy. xo
While playing poker, a dolt friend said “I don’t think we should have any wild cards unless I’m the dealer and change my mind and decide we should have them.” I said “Now we know what You think.”
Thank you so much! I’m a professional writer with a book of my poetry, flash fiction and essays being published by coronasamizdat.com in 2025. Would you like the link to read my blog?
In point of fact, my burn brought such raucous laughter from the other players that he drew back his clenched fist and nearly punched me; and my friend and his Nemesis said “Swing at him and you’ll Lose that hand.”
One of my maybe? best comebacks is one I wrote for a character in my short story "The Burglar"-- tell me what you think, lovely: A woman asks her husband why they didn't make love that morning. "So how many men do you think got an offer like that this morning?”
He’d sat for a while and then said, “In the world or the U.S.?” She had not answered. She was still angry from the morning rebuff even though she’d believed she’d deserved it.
He’d continued, “In the U.S., there are about 250 million people. Half are male—that’s 125 million. Half of those are children or geezers—that leaves 62 million. Suppose one percent got the same offer this morning—that’s 620,000 guys. Most of them are married and turned it down.”
OMG, Mary! Just seeing this! Gaaaaagh! He's doing the math??? This is SO the attitude of a Don Draper-esque MAN! It just STINGS! You're a meager statistic! A by-product of your status as a wife! So good!
There was a line at Hurry Curry, the Indian place that used to be on the corner. It was rare there was a line. And, if there was one, and you were new, that gave you time to decide what you wanted. (It was served from a hot table; only naan and a few other specialties were made to order.) This middle-aged dude in front of me kept saying, "Man, this line is moving slow. I can't believe there's such a line," and on and on he would blather. I wouldn't engage in conversation, so he would greet each person behind me with his same "Some line, huh" sh!t. Anyway, we finally get to the front, he takes forever to order, then his card is declined. Once again, he has to note how long everything is taking, and I lose it. "And you've made it seem even longer with your constant play-by-play of the line, going on and on about how long it is and how slow it's moving. If you expect your meal to be quick, order from Dominos or hit Taco Bell. But you would wait just as long at any restaurant. Think the Thai place across the street is any faster? (For the record, it ain't.) But we don't need to hear you rambling on and on about it." He said, "I'm sorry if I ruined your evening," and I said, "I'm sorry if I described you accurately!" The entire queue went silent. I made my order (chicken curry and aloo gobi), which was packaged up promptly (they loved me there; if they saw me crossing the street, they'd have my meal ready when I walked in the door). I paid, tipped and was out the door, smiling. I love accuracy. xo
OMG Sandra... I'm SO going to USE that!!! (probably on my family, LOL)
Haha your purse comeback is so very Sex and the City style! I had a few in my lifetime, but with my piss-poor memory, I forgot them all.
My memory is becoming the same... partially why I wanted to do this exercise!
Good idea, Alisa!
Not my best comeback, but one of the best I received:
I was once so drunk when asking a young woman out that my words were 'Will you come out with me LAST NIGHT?'
Her immediate response: 'Sorry, but I think I was washing my hair last night.'
THAT is GREAT! That seriously is worthy of a Sam Shepard or a Mamet (before he was bonkers) play.
in college i found out a guy i was dating was married looking at the student directory. he had not told me
so i said “does that “m” next to your name stand for married or mediocre?”
Good Grief, Gail! What was his reply to that sick burn??? (And how, annoying, btw.)
Most recent— Hubby’s ears were clogged from the airplane and he couldn’t hear me. I told him he’s been landing for 33 years.
Ba-dump-bump. 😉
LOl, I can see that playing out frame by frame! Why do they think that one works?
While playing poker, a dolt friend said “I don’t think we should have any wild cards unless I’m the dealer and change my mind and decide we should have them.” I said “Now we know what You think.”
Thank you so much! I’m a professional writer with a book of my poetry, flash fiction and essays being published by coronasamizdat.com in 2025. Would you like the link to read my blog?
YES! By all means!
Hiraethlit.com Please tell me which works you enjoy most!
Gaaaagh!!! I'm assuming he lost many hands that night?
In point of fact, my burn brought such raucous laughter from the other players that he drew back his clenched fist and nearly punched me; and my friend and his Nemesis said “Swing at him and you’ll Lose that hand.”
OMG... pun definitely intended! You need to save that for a script--it's so good.